The Mind of Jason

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The Five Things that have Touched My Life the Most

by on May.04, 2009, under Uncategorized

The reconnecting with old friends from college has made me start thinking about the things in my life that have had a profound impact on my life over the years. These are the things that touch you deeply in life, the things you remember for the rest of your life, the things that when you are feeling down and out that you look to help you get through those times. Many times the things are small things. The kind of things like a few words to let you know someone is there for you, that they care, etc. Other times it is a small gesture or a gift that means more than the person giving it realizes. The list really goes on and on.

Here is my list in no special order.

1. Two years ago, a friend of mine gave me a flower she made out of ribbon. It was shortly after my ex-wife and I had separated (at my request) and was around this time of year. I don’t think she could ever have imagined just how much that one simple thing would touch me and how deeply it would. Two years later I still have that flower at my desk a work. Times that I start getting stressed or depressed I look at it and it helps me more than anyone can ever realize. Of all the things I own, of all the gifts I have ever been given – big and small- it is my single most prized possession. The only way anyone will ever get it away from me is to pry it out of my cold dead hands. My guess is that it means more to me than it was ever meant too. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried and teared up over this simple gesture over the last two years.

2. Last year I was having some hard times. I was feeling invisible and like no one noticed me in life. This quote from the show House sums it up perfectly:

House episode 201
“Dr. Cameron: When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset.”

This is exactly what I wrote, minus a profaniy edit, in my journal at the time…

Well I do know one thing…no one will notice my death when the time comes. no one will notice or give a f***….

My friend vanya read that entry not long after. She had just three simple words for me: “I’ll notice” …when I read those three words I just broke down into tears. Those three little words meant everything to me. I do not think any three words have ever had such an amazing impact on my life. Even now remembering those words and that night, I cry all over again.

3. When I reconnected with my friend Joann her I found out that after all these years, she still has a picture I took of her. I never even imagined that she would still have it. It is hard to explain why, but it just makes me smile and touches me. I guess it is because I never did expect her to keep it.

4. OK, every now and then, the things that touch us are larger events, and that is what this one is. Back in college, I was being rather, well stupid. I was downstairs playing video games and had not taken my medicine for my seizures. Low and behold I started getting all the tell tale signs I was about to have one. Two thoughts crossed my mind. The first, ohhhh f***. The second was that I had to get upstairs because I knew my friend Steph was up there. I also knew that she was studying to be or was an EMT (I forget which – old age) and that if anyone in that building knew what to do and would not freak out that it would be her. Just as I got outside the radio station door where she was, I went down. Thankfully, she was still there. She looked after me until the ambulance came and made sure I was going to be ok. I think that it is obvious why that one has such an impact lol.

5. Well this last one I am going to keep somewhat general because to pick anyone person or event out of the group would be to do injustice to the others. These all relate to my current job. These people have given me a chance and believed in me when even I did not. When I started, when was hired, I was a complete unknown. I had no experience in the field or the position. It was the first chance that anyone had ever given me professionally. Today, people continue to trust in me and to help me grow and learn. There are just too many people and too many events to list. When someone takes a chance on you, when they believe in you – it has a huge impact on you.

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The Strange…The Bizzarre

by on Jan.12, 2009, under Uncategorized

Well on the way home from my dad’s I had what to me is a rather ‘odd’ experience. I stopped to get gas on I-95, as I was getting ready to start pumping my gas a woman comes up to me and asks if I can spare enough money to get her a couple of gallons of gas because she had run out on the overpass etc.

So I said sure and gave her some money to help her out, so far nothing odd right? Well there were two very strange things to me, the first is she mentioned that she had 112 miles to go; that is odd to me, who gives such an exact number of miles? I would have said that I have about 100 miles or two hours to go to get where I was heading, but 112????? But that was the less odd of the two things. The thing that was really odd was that I turned back to pump my gas after she left, then turned around to make sure she was OK, trying to see if she had a ride etc, when I looked – she was gone. I had not turned around long enough for her to be out of the light from the station and no cars had passed by, it is as if she just vanished.

Just really weird.

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Something “Different” about Me

by on Nov.02, 2008, under Uncategorized

So far, everyone I have asked about this has said no, but only looking at me like a wacko.

What is I asked? It is a very simple question. When you hold your hands in front of you, facing each other, do you feel any energy flowing between them? A sort of tingling and pulsing in you palms. Does it grow when you focus on it after clearing your mind? Does it get to a point where it feels like it wants to ignite or maybe leap forward from your palms? Do you feel that you should put your hands on someone gently?
If you stand quietly with legs spread can you feel this same energy enter through your feet and through the top of your head. Feel it wash over you and wrap you in a ‘force field’ or ‘aura’ or am I alone?

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A Shitty F***ing Day

by on Jul.15, 2008, under Uncategorized

Note: This entry provides details of my emotional state on July 15, 2008 and contains items that may trigger negative responses in some people. Please read with caution.

Ugh, today was the worst day yet. Every day that goes by things, get harder and worse than the day before. Whoever said, “time heals all wounds” was clueless.

Today I got up and went to see the Dalai Lama as planned and got to the 9:30am session. During the session, I started freaking out. I started crying. I felt like I needed just to run out of the place. It took everything that I had not to leave, the only reason I did not give in and leave was because of how much I respect him and his teachings. He is in my opinion the greatest and best living man, unlike so many other public figures, especially religious ones, he teaches only peace, compassion and responsibility, I have never heard him say anything mean or hateful about someone, even the Chinese government that represses and has illegally occupied Tibet for almost 60 years.

As much as I have looked forward to this trip, it has really sucked. I have not been able to focus or pay any real attention to his teachings because I all I could do was focus on the pain. This trip is a waste of over 1000$ and what may be a once in a lifetime chance at these teachings.

Back to today, as I said, I wanted to run and I was crying. Every little sound made me angry, the person behind me kept blowing their nose and another kept scratching his leg. Then he would scratch it for 5 minutes at a time I swear and loudly. God it annoyed me. I wanted to punch them both in the mouth, I was so angry.

I decided not to stay for the 2nd session and instead came back to room. On the way home, my panic attack hit full force. I just had to keep moving. It took all my self-control again not to start running people of the road and running red lights. Whenever I was stopped, all I could think was “I have to keep moving, I got to go, I got to go, I got to get back to my room”. My heart was racing, I was having random chest pains, I was crying my eyes out and I could not get control of it.

Therefore, at the nameless one’s insistence, since she called me, I called my therapist and then my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist called in a script for Xanax for me, which I just picked up. He said take one as needed, but with as bad as I have been I took one right away since I am sure I would have had another one later tonight.

The only thing that has kept me sane at all, and prevented me from losing it all together was the hotel staff, well especially one person. Her name is Shannie; she has one of those caring natures, where she cares about her fellow human beings even if she does not know them. I go down to the front desk every evening to stand and talk to her for hours on end. She keeps me smiling and laughing while I am there, lets me talk to her about what is bothering me and upsetting me. She never even gave me a look of disinterest or irritation. She lets me ramble on and gets me talking about other things to take my mind off my troubles. If she had not been here, I do not know how I would have gotten through this week. She has been a Godsend for sure. I can never thank her enough or repay her kindness. The best I could do was to get her a thank you card today for all the help she has given me, probably without even realizing how much it has meant to me.

 It probably sounds pathetic, but going to talk to her at the desk has been the high point of my days. It sucks being alone and having no friends to talk to, either on line or in r/t. I feel so isolated and unimportant.

Last night I accidentally knocked the hair dryer into the sink, looked at it, and thought how easy it would be to fill the sink turn the dryer on and shove my hands or face into it and be done with my pain and life. Obviously, I did not and I never seriously considered it.

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Challenges to Love

by on Jan.05, 2008, under Uncategorized

Love.

 Love is an interesting and complex topic. At the best of times, love is incredibly beautiful and brings a great joy to ones heart and soul. During the good times of life, it is very easy to love someone. Unfortunately, love like everything else in life is dual-edged sword. As it can fill ones heart and soul with this extreme joy and happiness, at the same time it can cause a great deal of agonizing pain and sorrow. During these harder and darker times, the times when we are separated from someone we love, when someone we love fails us or lets us down, when we fail them or countless other things, it becomes much more difficult to love someone.

The degree of difficulty in loving a person during hard times is directly proportional to how far/long we are apart / how bad they hurt us/how bad we failed them.

The further and longer we are apart the harder it can become to focus on our love. Our hearts start finding others to fill the emptiness that was left behind. The loneliness that is created when the one we love is separated from us for a long time or long distance can be so painful, it cause so much hurt in our souls. The hunger and longing for the person we love grows more and more each day. This emptiness can lead to not only pain, but also anger and bitterness at the one we love for “abandoning us.” With each day that goes by, we can become more restless and resentful. In cases where the problem is someone failing us or us failing someone we love, the results can be pure disaster. A loved one failing us is one of the hardest things to overcome. Certain types of failures are more problematic then others. Lying, cheating, hiding things, these are some of the hardest things to overcome. These things shake us to our very core and cause us to doubt everything about the person. They make us see the person as a bad person with little or no redeeming

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