The Mind of Jason

Note: I wrote this in July 2008, after a relationship I was in ended abruptly. When I look back these days, it bothers me that I ever let this person get to me like this. It was a relationship I never should have entered into and the only one I have ever had that I regret.

much less a mess would I be,
If my importance were shown to me,
As wonderful as words are
To be shown goes much more far.

It hurts that you show no regret,
No matter how much I hurt and fret.
I know on purpose you could not cause pain,
But accidental or planned hurt deep I am all the same.

So many tears have I shed
Many a time I wished to be dead
I am still such a mess
I can’t see it being less

If only you could see
That only you can help heal me
Your love and tenderness,
Alone can bring me out of this darkness

In your arms I need to cry
To help me get by
If only I could make you see
I need to see and feel love from thee

All I feel is disdain
And no concern for my pain
I know my words of late are dark,
But with such loss it is hard to be happy like a lark.

When to one I give all my soul and heart
It drives a knife into my heart when they depart.
Still there is much sorrow
I only hope it be less one tomorrow

Eyes fill with tears,
when come true ones worst fears.
At times it is too much to bear
Is it any wonder why in two my heart did tear?

my love is forever,
Taken away it will be never
Welcome and wanted in my arms you are
Today tomorrow and forever my beloved star

Note: This entry provides details of my emotional state on July 15, 2008 and contains items that may trigger negative responses in some people. Please read with caution.

Ugh, today was the worst day yet. Every day that goes by things, get harder and worse than the day before. Whoever said, “time heals all wounds” was clueless.

Today I got up and went to see the Dalai Lama as planned and got to the 9:30am session. During the session, I started freaking out. I started crying. I felt like I needed just to run out of the place. It took everything that I had not to leave, the only reason I did not give in and leave was because of how much I respect him and his teachings. He is in my opinion the greatest and best living man, unlike so many other public figures, especially religious ones, he teaches only peace, compassion and responsibility, I have never heard him say anything mean or hateful about someone, even the Chinese government that represses and has illegally occupied Tibet for almost 60 years.

As much as I have looked forward to this trip, it has really sucked. I have not been able to focus or pay any real attention to his teachings because I all I could do was focus on the pain. This trip is a waste of over 1000$ and what may be a once in a lifetime chance at these teachings.

Back to today, as I said, I wanted to run and I was crying. Every little sound made me angry, the person behind me kept blowing their nose and another kept scratching his leg. Then he would scratch it for 5 minutes at a time I swear and loudly. God it annoyed me. I wanted to punch them both in the mouth, I was so angry.

I decided not to stay for the 2nd session and instead came back to room. On the way home, my panic attack hit full force. I just had to keep moving. It took all my self-control again not to start running people of the road and running red lights. Whenever I was stopped, all I could think was “I have to keep moving, I got to go, I got to go, I got to get back to my room”. My heart was racing, I was having random chest pains, I was crying my eyes out and I could not get control of it.

Therefore, at the nameless one’s insistence, since she called me, I called my therapist and then my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist called in a script for Xanax for me, which I just picked up. He said take one as needed, but with as bad as I have been I took one right away since I am sure I would have had another one later tonight.

The only thing that has kept me sane at all, and prevented me from losing it all together was the hotel staff, well especially one person. Her name is Shannie; she has one of those caring natures, where she cares about her fellow human beings even if she does not know them. I go down to the front desk every evening to stand and talk to her for hours on end. She keeps me smiling and laughing while I am there, lets me talk to her about what is bothering me and upsetting me. She never even gave me a look of disinterest or irritation. She lets me ramble on and gets me talking about other things to take my mind off my troubles. If she had not been here, I do not know how I would have gotten through this week. She has been a Godsend for sure. I can never thank her enough or repay her kindness. The best I could do was to get her a thank you card today for all the help she has given me, probably without even realizing how much it has meant to me.

 It probably sounds pathetic, but going to talk to her at the desk has been the high point of my days. It sucks being alone and having no friends to talk to, either on line or in r/t. I feel so isolated and unimportant.

Last night I accidentally knocked the hair dryer into the sink, looked at it, and thought how easy it would be to fill the sink turn the dryer on and shove my hands or face into it and be done with my pain and life. Obviously, I did not and I never seriously considered it.

Note: I wrote this in July 2008, after a relationship I was in ended abruptly. When I look back these days, it bothers me that I ever let this person get to me like this. It was a relationship I never should have entered into and the only one I have ever had that I regret.

Darkness, darkness all around,
No light to be found,
Nothing but an endless void,
No one to care, me they all avoid.

Each day more pain and sorrow,
I fear every tomorrow.
Nothing but a dark and lonely sea,
Not one to need me.

Further and further I slip,
Starting to want to embrace deaths grip.
Would any cry,
Were I to die?

This is I doubt,
For all from my life have slipped out.
Not one to want me in their life,
My life filled with nothing but strife.

Once I knew love,
From one more pure than a dove.
One who is a true treasure,
She always bought me so much pleasure

Now, night after night I cry,
Wondering if the answer is to die,
Why oh why am I avoided by she,
When only her love and tenderness can save me.

Pain and sorrow,
Sure to double tomorrow,
My heart, my soul forever lost,
When I was tossed.

She is my treasure,
Today, tomorrow and forever.
But to her I am nothing,
If only I was something.

Now each day,
All I do is wither away,
Lost now is my heart,
Ended all to early was my part.

Even more beautiful would be our dance
If only had I once again a chance
Always did she make me so very proud,
I want to sing it out so loud.

Now have I nothing,
More than suffering.
In eternal darkness I now despair,
Why should I even care.

No longer is there a want for me in her loving heart,
A want that had been there from the start.
Once to her I was important,
Now at best that importance is dornmant

Darkness, darkness all around,
No light to be found,
What joy can there be,
Without her wanting, needing and loving me.

Note: I wrote this in July 2008, after a relationship I was in ended abruptly. When I look back these days, it bothers me that I ever let this person get to me like this. It was a relationship I never should have entered into and the only one I have ever had that I regret.

so much pain,
every waking moment filled with rain.
Only so heavy a load can one heart bear,
before first a tear will appear

Way beyond that point am I,
leaving me to ask why oh why
the pain of my heart none seem to hear
when long ago first did the tear appear,
every night when I goto bed,

another river of tears is shed
each and every tomorrow,
there is nothing but more sorrow.everyone tells me that in time,
I will once again be fine,
how though can that be,
when to her I gave all of me

entrusted with my heart was she,
heart and she are now both lost to me.

Note:I wrote this back in 2008 when I was going through a very difficult time.

Death,
So warm,
So inviting,
So promising,
So appealing,

Death,
An answer to all worries,
An end to all pain,
A termination of hurt,
The end of all sorrow.

Death

Note: I wrote this in July 2008, after a relationship I was in ended abruptly. When I look back these days, it bothers me that I ever let this person get to me like this. It was a relationship I never should have entered into and the only one I have ever had that I regret.

I try each day,
I try to let go,
I try to find my smile,
I try to be happy again.

I can’t get you,
out of my heart,
I can’t get you,
out of my heart

Each day that goes by,
My heart tears even more,
Each day that goes by,
I die more inside

I can’t get you,
out of my heart,
I can’t get you,
out of my heart

I look inside,
nothing is all I see,
I close my eyes,
all I see is you
Every sound I hear,
reminds me of you.

I can’t get you,
out of my heart,
I can’t get you,
out of my heart

Note: I wrote this in July 2008, after a relationship I was in ended abruptly. When I look back these days, it bothers me that I ever let this person get to me like this. It was a relationship I never should have entered into and the only one I have ever had that I regret.

Day after day,
I sit waiting,
hoping today will be the day,
the day that your eyes are opened once more,
open to the beauty we shared,
open to the pain that has replaced it.

Day after day,
I sit waiting, hoping
that your heart will open once more to me,
that you will remember how much love,
I have always had for you,
how you made me smile,
how you made me laugh,
how you made me so happy

Day after day,
I sit waiting, watching,
hoping to see that one name ,
that one blessed name light up on my gmail
that one that was just for me,
that name that was for me and for me alone
the one that made me so proud to see,
proud because it was the one I gave you.

Day after day,
I sit waiting, praying
for your love,
for you to want me once more,
for you to need me once more,
for you to come home where you belong.

Day after day,
I sit crying,
because that day hasn’t come,
fearing it never will,
that I will cry an ocean of oceans before I die,

Day after day,
I sit hurting, dying inside,
because that empty spot inside grows larger,
the dagger goes deeper,
the pain grows more and more,
with each passing day you are away from home.